If you haven’t seen Edge of Tomorrow, then you might not understand the above photo, but I thought it was amusing. 🙂 Have fun critiquing today’s entry.
This will be the last critique post for a while. I am going on vacation, and I am not sure when this feature will restart.
Don’t forget the critiquing guidelines. All you have to do is post a comment about the submission below. Don’t feel like you have to critique the whole piece. Even a short comment on one aspect can be helpful.
This post will stay active indefinitely, so you can come back and add comments at any time. If you are one of the writers who is being critiqued, you should subscribe to this post so you can be notified when any comments are added.
The King’s Spyglass – by Yakira
Bright white and blue stars twinkled in the silent raven sky, not a single cloud covering the shining wonders. A bright crescent moon shone down on a forest of dark green leaves topping huge strong trunks and limbs. A slight breeze blew through the leaves, rustling them, making a shushing noise that beckoned the cloak-clad figure below to hush her crying.
The figure knelt over two slight mounds of dirt, silent sobs trembling through her small body. Long white hair spilled from the hood, almost reaching the ground. It glistened with a metallic gleam in the moonlight, almost matching the moon’s color. The hooded head lifted, revealing the feminine face of a young girl around the age of nine. Dark eyes stared up at the sky, salty tear tracks carving their way down her cheeks as fresh tears quivered at the edges of her eyes.
She lifted two hands, dirt smeared over the pale flesh. She took in a deep trembling breath. “El, savior of the souls of men, please, listen to my plea,” she lowered her head but kept her hands raised. She closed her eyes, her plea coming out in choked sobs. “Please, help me. I-I don’t think… I can go on. My parents have now gone… to join you in your kingdom. Wh-what should I do now?” she slowly lowered her hands to the fresh dirt.
A soft step whispered through the decaying leaves, making the girl turn. A tall man stepped into the clearing. He lowered his hood revealing a pale face with deep brown eyes frame long light blonde hair.
“Keren?” he said softly, his voice filled with concern.
Keren’s face flooded with relief. She stood and rushed towards the man. “Uncle Lael!” she cried as she fell into his arms.
She began to sob, burying her face in her uncle’s chest. She gripped the edges of his cloak as he soothed her. He let her cry for a few moments then spoke in a low comforting tone, smoothing her soft hair. “Shh, hush now child. It’s time to come home.”
Keren wiped the tears from her face and turned back to the two graves. She frowned at a small object sitting in between the mound of dirt. She left her uncle and walked back to where she had stood before. She knelt and ran her hand over the object.
It was a long wooden spyglass with odd carvings curling over the surface making a beautiful and terrifying picture. Roses curved around the handle and long thorny vines curved in and out of one another then off onto the next thicker section of wood. The vines slowly turned to thick spidery webs criss-crossing the surface, then to thick lines swirling into ropes glistening with large drops of dew. Instantly Keren recognized the spyglass. It had belonged to her father. But what was it doing out by his grave?
A gentle hand rested onto her shoulder. She looked up into Uncle Lael’s eyes. He gave her a weak smile. “It’s time to go Keren,”
She nodded and stood, gripping the spyglass tight in her fist. Following her uncle, she gazed at it, the last thing she had to remember her parents by. She clutched it close to her chest and swallowed back the tears that threatened to form once more. Without looking back, she walked form the clearing, leaving her parents behind.
Categories: Critique Group