Even a llama knows how important a critique is.
Don’t forget the critiquing guidelines. All you have to do is post a comment about the submission below. Don’t feel like you have to critique the whole piece. Even a short comment on one aspect can be helpful.
This post will stay active indefinitely, so you can come back and add comments at any time. If you are the writer who is being critiqued, you should subscribe to this post so you can be notified when any comments are added.
The Pandonian’s Paradox – by Micha-el
“The invisible planet?” Rose hung on tightly as the Doctor rushed around the six sided console in the TARDIS.
He grinned his response as he pulled a lever with his right hand before flipping a switch with his foot.
“But if its invisible-” The Doctor hit something with his hammer, causing it to ding. “Then how can you find it?”
The TARDIS shuddered, throwing Rose onto the Doctor briefly before she could right herself.
“Well, strictly speaking, it’s not actually invisible. More like the camouflaged planet; but that doesn’t have the same ring to it. The camouflaged planet…the imperceptible planet?….undetectable?….No…”
Rose grinned, tightening her grip.
A light flashed red above the Doctor’s head, setting of an alarm. The TARDIS jerked, sending Rose and the Doctor flying into each other before tossing them back the other way.
“What?” The Doctor did his best to read the console while the TARDIS continued to jerk and buck. “No, n-n-n-n-n-no!” A flash of confusion crossed his face for a moment as he tried flipping some switches. “But, …how…?”
The familiar whooshing of the TARDIS turned into a painful grind.
“How?” Letters passed by in front of the Doctors face in an odd script; he turned his head toward Rose. “Hang on!”
The TARDIS let out another jolt that threw the two on the floor before standing still with a slight hiss.
“You ok? Rose?” The Doctor rolled to his feet and hurried around the console.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She accepted the Doctor’s hand and rode his pull to her feet. “What happened?”
“I don’t know… And it not very often I say that.” He hurried back to the screen, staying silent for a little while as he studied it, pressing a button now and again when the image went fuzzy. “Wait…, but that’s impossible.”
“What is it?” Rose hurried over and peered over his shoulder.
“But for it to… it’s just… impossible.” The Doctor stood there, squinting at the screen, now hitting it when it wasn’t working. “Behave a little.”
“Doctor, what is it?”
He ran a hand through his hair and turned toward Rose, sucking in his breath. “Somehow, some…thing, locked onto the TARDIS mid flight, pulling us through time and space to a planet with a Nycron atmosphere which is causing the TARDIS to recalibrate. We’re stuck here, for now.” He bent over and picked up a cast iron frying pan that lay on the floor from their crash. “How did this get here?”
“Nycron? Not sure about that one.” Rose glanced at the TARDIS’s now completely blank screen. “If it’s recalibrating, it will take a while. What do we do in the mean time?”
The Doctor was testing the weight of the frying pan. “You could really hurt someone with this.”
“Cast iron too, all that extra weight, giving it that extra oomph.”
“Right,” He let the hand with the frying pan drop to his side. “The TARDIS is going to take awhile to calibrate before she’ll be able to do anything.” Rose smiled, her eyes glancing at the TARDIS’s door before back to the Doctor. “Might as well, you know, take a look around.” He grinned as the two hurried toward the door.
Rose took in her breath as she stepped through the door. The planet was stunning.
Deep green grass stretched out in every direction, a pink sky held a bright blue sun; and, after the open grasses, trees that were as large as the TARDIS in diameter.
“Oh, its beautiful.” Rose bent down and ran a hand through the grass, grabbing a bit to smell. It smelled sweet and…something unidentifiable; like something you would make into tea.
“Oh! Nykiria. That’s lovely.” The Doctor turned in a small circle, as if refamilirizing himself with an old favourite.
Rose glanced at the Doctor. “Nykiria, is that the planet’s name?”
“Nykiria.” He gestured with his arms. “Lovely place; mountains, forests, rivers, oceans, birds, wildlife, and the intelligent indigenous species, Karyl’s.”
“We should see some soon enough, this was a popular field last time I came.” The Doctor flipped the small frying pan still in his hand, seemingly just remembering he hadn’t left it in the TARDIS.
He stared at it a moment. “Seriously though, you could hurt someone with this. Just a little momentum and…” The Doctor lazily swung his arm, careful not to hit the TARDIS, but instead, make the frying pan swing out past the edge; when the frying pan stopped suddenly, as though hitting something and making a dull thunk.
“An invisible planet? Really?” Amy watched the Doctor press buttons and pull levers on the TARDIS’s console. “Hang on, if it’s really invisible-“
“Then how do I know its there?” He grinned, his hand pausing above the final switch. “Want to find out?” As the switch came down, the familiar whoosh of the TARDIS started as the platform jerked.
Amy squealed, grabbing for the rail as she fell sideways; the initial jolt was always the worst of them.
“Right then, the invisible planet-” The Doctor was cut short when a red light appeared, and with it an alarm.
“What?” He moved around to the screen, doing his best to read the Gallifreyin figures. The TARDIS jerked harder, bucking this way and that.
“Doctor?” Amy’s knuckles turned white as her grip tightened, just to keep herself standing, barely.
“That can’t be…” The Doctor pulled a lever or two, eyes glued to the now slightly fuzzy screen; the alarm now being slightly drowned out by the grinding of the TARDIS.
The screen went white, sparks popping from the console, and something hissed while spewing smoke; the Doctor turned his head slowly. “Hold on.” He gripped the console he was holding on to with new rigor.
The TARDIS jerked on last time before crashing to a stand still, throwing Amy and the Doctor to the floor as all but the emergency lighting switched off.
Categories: Critique Group