Critique Group – Where Werewolves Come From

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Where Werewolves Come From – by Jessica

It was during the time that Jesus Christ walked the earth. Before He died, rose from the dead and triumphed over sin. Satan, the one who leads the world astray, took his right hand demon and went in search for a particular young and pregnant, prostitute. For Satan, she was easy to find for there was a darkness in her heart that called out to him.

He approached her with a seductive proposition: riches beyond imagine and immortality for the soul of her child. She agreed, glad to be rid of her child and her way of living. The devil then fused his dark angel with the soul of the unborn child.

As the child grew within the womb the mother began to weaken. She became pale and was plagued with violent shaking. She was frightened but the devil assured the woman that she would be fine once the child was born.

Before the child could make it full term it had drank its mother dry from the inside. The demon child slashed itself out of its mother as she died. The devil watched as his creation forced its way into the world and laughed. He had never intended to keep his promises.

The demon child had the physical shape of a human but had bat like wings on its back, talons on the ends of its long, pale fingers and teeth as sharp as any blade. It was unlike anything that had ever been homed in a woman’s belly.

The creature been born of tainted flesh and of dark spirit and desperately thirsted for human blood. So the devil led it to a home where a mother was alone with her young child. They became the newborn’s second meal.

Once the child had feasted, it began to grow at an outstanding rate. It grew to be at least a head taller than a man and had strength and speed of ten. The demon could change from a terrifying sight to a more pleasant one. Once hidden behind its human mask, the demon was appealing to the mortal eye. The creature was able to charm all he met with his seductive appearance and sweet promises of everlasting power.

The unholy one could only hunt in the night. It was only in the sunlight when humans could see it for what they really were. Its beautiful human face was burned away from it like a mask. And if the devils child were to remain in the daylight, they would be burned to death.

The fiend had the ability to produce other demons through sucking the blood until a human is near death and force-feeding his blood own upon its victims. When the Lord saw that Satan’s children were going to turn humanity, whom He loved dearly, into fiends, He had no choice but to create something that would protect them from this fate. It had to be something that was in nature loyal and protective.

So God selected a large pack of wolves from the Garden of Eden, which he kept separate from humanity. God deposited the souls of men into them and transformed their bodies into those of warriors. Then the Lord selected one of his Angels to be their guardian. Someone to protect them, keep them hidden from the world.

The Lord exchanged the Angel’s spirit body for one made out of dust, the Lord made the Angel a human. Although the Angel had become a human man, he was still noticeably different from mortals for he towered over even the tallest of men and had inhuman strength. The Lord God also granted him an immortal life span and a promise. A promise that one day he would die and that he and his believing wolves and children would have everlasting rest in the Lord’s Kingdom.

The Angel was named Azriel. Azriel picked the bravest and smartest wolf and named him Seff. Azriel and Seff were the first werewolf guardian and alpha werewolf. Once Azriel had chosen his werewolf, the Lord commanded that they exchange blood. So Seff first cut the large pad on his paw and then Azriel’s palm, and the man and wolf joined their blood. It was a powerful exchange. The man of light and his wolf were bonded together by blood forever. Their children and their children’s children would be kin.

By this bond, Azriel adopted a werewolf’s keen senses such as hearing, reflexes and scent. Seff and the other werewolves were able to switch between two forms: a regular wolf and the warriors they were created to be.

Azriel married a mortal woman and had many children. Each of his sons was sent out into the world with one male wolf and one female wolf so they could track the demons at a greater range. Azriel kept his daughters from being guardians. He did this out of love. For he could not bear to see his daughters harmed.

The Lord’s wolves served Him well and He was pleased with them until one night. It was the first full moon since their change. One of the werewolves left his pack to howl praises to the beautiful silver moon. This act angered God and He cursed the werewolves. If any wolf was caught alone on a night when the moon was at its fullest, that wolf would lose control of his soul and become a mindless monster. That night, he would kill everything in sight including his own Guardian.

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6 replies

  1. Very interesting!

    Just a few things that come to mind. It sounds like at the end there God punished all the werewolves for the sin of one werewolf. Some people might question that and use it to say that God is unfair. If you want to keep that plot element, I would advise coming up with reasons for God cursing all the werewolves that end up playing a huge role in the story. One I can think of right now is that he did it to help protect them from sinning. If they were afraid of going mad under a full moon, that would help prevent them from going off to worship it. And they would be less likely to worship the moon at all after seeing how it caused a big problem for their species the first time.

    Also, is this a prologue or some other part of your story(like a synopsis)? If it is a prologue or chapter, you may want to find another way to give the audience this information. It feels mostly like a summary, so if you wanted to avoid that you could write parts of this in story form. Or, you could have characters remember it in flashbacks as the story goes along. There are many ways to approach the prologue, like someone finding evidence of the demon tearing out of its mother’s womb or the someone finding the remnants of the demon’s next meal.

    It sounds like this story is based on Earth, so this might not be as relevant, but depending on your audience you may want to consider calling God by a different name in this story. Ted Dekker, for instance, used another name for God that people actually used in ancient times (Elyon), and C S Lewis used a different name for Jesus (Aslan). If you are mainly just aiming for a Christian audience, it doesn’t matter as much, but you can call God by a different name and make it many times more accessible to more readers.

    Over all, I like the concept of your story and would be interested in seeing more 🙂

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  2. Jessica,

    Since your piece is all narration in the form of a summary, it reads like a prologue. Is that what you intended? If not, then I recommend writing it in real time, that is, showing the events happening with real-time pacing and with character interaction and dialogue.

    If this is meant to be a prologue-like summary, then let’s proceed with some details:

    “It was during the time that Jesus Christ walked the earth. Before He died, rose from the dead and triumphed over sin.”

    Starting with “it was” is always perilous. I immediately wondered “What was?” I didn’t know what “it” meant, so I was lost. After a moment, I figured out that “it” meant the time period. Also, the second “sentence” isn’t a sentence at all. Just make the first period a comma and the B in Before a lower case b, and it will be fine.

    “Satan, the one who leads the world astray, took his right hand demon and went in search for a particular young and pregnant, prostitute.”

    Insert a hyphen in “right-hand.” Where did he go to search?

    He approached her with a seductive proposition: riches beyond imagine and immortality for the soul of her child.

    The way this is written it sounds like the immortality is not for her but for the soul of her child. Maybe, “riches beyond imagination and immortality in exchange for the soul of her child.”

    I noticed in multiple places the lack of a comma, such as in compound sentences. If two independent clauses are attached by a conjunction such as “and” or but,” you need a comma before the conjunction.

    For example, “She was frightened but the devil assured the woman that she would be fine once the child was born.” This needs a comma before the but, because the two clauses can stand alone as independent sentences.

    Before the child could make it full term it had drank its mother dry from the inside.

    “Drunk” instead of “drank.”

    “The devil watched as his creation forced its way into the world and laughed.”

    This is written as if the creation laughed. Did you mean that the devil laughed?

    “The demon child had the physical shape of a human but had bat like wings on its back, talons on the ends of its long, pale fingers and teeth as sharp as any blade.”

    You need a hyphen in “bat-like,” and a comma after “fingers.”

    “It was unlike anything that had ever been homed in a woman’s belly.”

    I have never seen “homed” used as a verb in this manner.

    “The creature been born of tainted flesh and of dark spirit and desperately thirsted for human blood.”

    I don’t’ understand this sentence. “Been born”?

    “So the devil led it to a home where a mother was alone with her young child. They became the newborn’s second meal.”

    Where was this second home? Why did the devil choose this family?

    “Once the child had feasted, it began to grow at an outstanding rate.”

    Do you mean “astounding”?

    “It grew to be at least a head taller than a man and had strength and speed of ten.”

    Strength of ten I understand, but speed? Ten men are the same speed as one man.

    “The demon could change from a terrifying sight to a more pleasant one.”

    What did its terrifying sight look like?

    “The unholy one could only hunt in the night.”

    Couldn’t it do anything else in the night? Or do you mean, “The unholy one could hunt only in the night”?

    “It was only in the sunlight when humans could see it for what they really were.”

    Do you mean, “Humans could see its real face only in the sunlight”?

    “And if the devils child were to remain in the daylight, they would be burned to death.”

    You need an apostrophe in devil’s. Also, I didn’t understand the use of “they.” Who are you talking about? “Child” is singular, while “they” is plural.

    “The fiend had the ability to produce other demons through sucking the blood until a human is near death and force-feeding his blood own upon its victims.”

    Force feeding the blood to the people it’s sucking blood from? Did he put the blood in a jar and then force his victims to drink their own blood? I don’t understand this or how doing this would create more demons. Did the victims become demons themselves?

    “God deposited the souls of men into them and transformed their bodies into those of warriors.”

    Did they transform into human warriors or did they stay looking like wolves.

    “Someone to protect them, keep them hidden from the world.”

    This is not a sentence.

    “The Lord exchanged the Angel’s spirit body for one made out of dust, the Lord made the Angel a human.”

    You need to either make this two sentences or insert an “and” after the comma.

    “A promise that one day he would die and that he and his believing wolves and children would have everlasting rest in the Lord’s Kingdom.”

    This is not a sentence.

    “This act angered God and He cursed the werewolves.”

    I agree with Autumn that this action makes God unjust. If that’s what you’re trying to do, then you succeeded, but many of your readers might object to an unjust God figure.

    I hope that helps!

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  3. I really liked this! I thought it was very interesting. I also thought the concept and how you tied in the mythology was really neat.
    My biggest critique would be similar to what other people said. If this is a prologue or something, it might not work. BUT if you are trying to go for something different, like someone telling a tale or even just a short writing piece, it’s good.
    It all depends on what your using it for. I know I wrote something in a similar style, but it was meant more to be used as if someone were relating the tale, not as a prologue to a story.
    Also I agree with the last bit. Maybe any errant werewolf who worships the moon instead becomes a savage beast of something like that? Up to you though, but maybe consider further explanation.
    Overall, I liked the writing style, you kept it consistent throughout and it was a fascinating tale.

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  4. Jessica,

    You’ve brought a lot of creative ideas to this story – retellings of popular myths and folklore are always interesting, and you’ve obviously put a lot of thought into making the werewolf and vampire legends your own. One of the things I liked most about your story is the way you paralleled the creation and “fall” of werewolves with the Genesis story of Eden. For that reason, I actually disagree with the “unjust God” comments regarding the curse on werewolves. I’m working off several assumptions here, of course, so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. Most importantly, I’m assuming that the curse God places on the werewolf is intended to be a parallel to the curses God places on Adam and Eve when they sin in the Garden. While it might seem unjust that all the werewolves share the curse for one werewolf’s sin, all creation was cursed as a result of Adam and Eve’s sin, so I’m not sure that Christians can realistically take issue with that. Perhaps one thing that might help strengthen this parallel and assuage some of those concerns is to edit the story so that the first werewolf is the one who worships the moon, and then have his descendants share in his curse. What do you think?

    Autumn, Mr. Davis, and Natasha, please correct me if I’ve misunderstood your concerns, or feel free to offer your own thoughts on this idea – would this help solve that issue for you?

    – Joshua

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    • There is a difference between a curse that makes a difficult environment and one that makes everyone behave in horrible ways. The curse in our world makes the ground’s production less fruitful and makes childbearing harder. In contrast, in this story, the wolves become mindless, murdering monsters under certain conditions, which is quite different.

      Some might argue that humans became sinful after the fall as part of the curse, but not all Christians believe that, myself being one of those who doesn’t believe God would have any reason to make people sinful because of what their ancestors did.

      In any case, the point is that some readers will be taken aback. If your doctrinal beliefs allow for this, then go for it. Just realize that not everyone will like it.

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    • I am not entirely against the idea of the curse, but I do think it at least needs a very good explanation. As it is, so many hate God because they see him as unfair, if he is shown doing something that harsh, there should be a very good, practical reason. Not all will understand the reason, but at least a few people will. I recommended a few possible explanations as to why God might have cursed the werewolves in such a manner, if the curse stays in the story.

      I think there is a bit of a difference between the werewolf curse and the fall of Adam and Eve. Even though they were cursed to live difficult lives and sin repeatedly, they weren’t cursed to turn into uncontrollable monsters. God not only gave them the option to try and make good choices in spite of their fallen nature, he also gave them a way to redeem themselves. With the werewolves, it sounds like they will be cursed simply if they are caught alone under the full moon. So they wouldn’t even really have to be sinning by worshiping the full moon, just get caught under it. What if two werewolves are fighting the enemy under a full moon, and they slay the enemy, but one of the werewolves dies in the process. The other werewolf would be left out alone under the full moon and would turn into a monster because he was under the full moon on accident, doing his job as a guardian. Most people would see that as extremely unjust.

      Also, Adam, Eve, and the serpent all sinned and were punished for what they did wrong. The werewolf curse would be more akin to a situation where only Adam sinned but God decided to punish Eve too just because she was the same species as Adam.

      Again, this doesn’t automatically mean the curse deserves to be removed from the story, but its possible unfairness needs to be acknowledged and explained. Since God is just, he would have a reason for doing this in a story.

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