Another week, another critique, well, two critiques. Let’s get it rolling!
Don’t forget the critiquing guidelines. All you have to do is post a comment about the submissions below. Don’t feel like you need to critique both or the whole piece of either one. Even a short comment on one aspect can be helpful. When you critique, be sure to mention which piece you’re critiquing.
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Submission #1 – The Unchosen One by Nathan
I wake up to a loud beeping. I open my eyes and slap my alarm clock as my eyes turn to the window. As soon as I do, a blur goes by, too fast to identify other than it was human. I quickly get up and cross my spotless white room to the window and try to get a better view. I spot the person flying towards the Square, but there is no black hair flowing in the wind, and it looks like a man, so it isn’t Isabel. Of course it isn’t Isabel, they will be here in about an hour, and she can’t fly that well yet. Maybe I will get to fly one day too, but I doubt it. I look outside again and I can see the city of Plateia; 133 pure white buildings of varying size, and all of them are one or two stories. All except for the Square at the center of the city, which has four stories.
It’s 7:30 in the morning, my parents are already at work, and I am an only child, so I still have about an hour to myself until I need to start walking to school. I leave the window and cross the room again to make my bed, which is against the whole length of one wall, under the other window that only shows miles and miles of grass. I head to my closet in the opposite corner of the room to grab some clean clothes for the day, but it’s empty. Then I remember that I keep all of my clothes in the dresser, which is next to my bed so it can double as a night stand. I grab some clothes, a t-shirt and jeans, get dressed, and then head to the doorway that opens up to a staircase.
The stairs lead to the main hallway; directly across from me is the front door, to my left is the kitchen, on my right is the door to my parents room, and at the end of the hall on the right is the living room. I go into the kitchen and grab a bowl, a spoon, milk, and some cereal. I pour myself a bowl of the normal, plain, boring, cereal. It doesn’t taste good, but it isn’t bad, and since everyone else in the city eats it, why shouldn’t I? After finishing my breakfast, I put my dishes in the sink and head back upstairs to finish getting ready for school. By the time I brush my teeth and comb my hair, it is already 8:00. I return downstairs and lay down on the couch in the living room. Something is picking at my brain; I feel like I am forgetting something, but I have my school I.D. in the pocket of my jeans, and that is all that I need to take to school. I don’t really like school, not many of the students do, but I do get to hang out with my three favorite people in the city for the whole day, and that isn’t bad.
I look at the analog clock on the wall and it reads December 31st 3479. And that’s when I remember what I had forgotten. Today’s the Ceremony! I’m getting my Present today! I sit up on the couch and glance at the clock hanging on the wall, it’s 8:20, so there should be a knock on the door anytime. As if summoned by my thought, I hear the sound of six fists banging randomly on the front door, they are excited, of course. I quickly get up, take the few steps from the couch to the door, and swing the door open. Before me stand my three favorite people in the whole city: Julianna, Isabel, and Luke. Luke is a small, scrawny boy, with short blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Isabel and Julianna look pretty similar, except for the fact that Julianna has brown hair and Isabel has black hair, but other than that they are pretty much the same; their hair is long, and they both have green eyes. All of them are wearing jeans and a solid color t-shirt, as is everyone in Plateia. I imagine what they are looking at; me standing in the doorway, a regular sized boy with green eyes, very short brown hair, and nothing unique about him.
Submission #2 – A Secret Revealed by Jessica
It was just an ordinary day for the Star family. That is, until IT happened. They were just sitting at the table playing board games like they do every weekend when suddenly, CRASH! Someone or something had broken the window. Mr. and Mrs. Star seemed to know exactly what was happening. They jump up, and begin to approach the source of the noise, but not before telling the kids to hide. The twins Amy and Michael, run as fast as they possibly can to the place their parents always said to hide in an emergency.
They stayed there all night. The next morning the twins noticed it was eerily quiet. They decided that must mean it is safe for them now, so they come out of hiding. What they find shocks them. The evil men were certainly gone, but they left behind a bloody mess of bodies. In the midst of the pile, the twins spotted their parents! Amy turned away and hid her face in Michael’s arms. She did not want to believe their parents were dead. Michael held her there for a few moments before pulling her away.
“Sis, we need to contact the police about this immediately!” he exclaims.
BRIIIING, BRIIIING, BRIIIING. It seemed to them like the phone was going to ring forever, when finally the twins heard a voice on the other end. “Hello, what is the emergency?” says a woman’s voice.
“Hello. Is this the police? My name’s Michael and I’m here with my sister Amy. Our parents…they were killed! We need someone to come over immediately!” Michael spits out his words in a panic.
“Slow down kid. I can barely understand you. Can you explain your situation to me one more time? And please tell me where you are?”
“Yes ma’am. Sorry.” Michael takes a deep breath and calmly repeats himself. “Our address is 30 Baker Street, Churchville, NY 14428
“Yes ma’am. I live on 34th street. My house is the blue one with the green trim. Our house number is 1823. Please come quickly. Bad men came. We are afraid they might come back.”
“Thank you. I will send some men over immediately. Stay put.”
“Yes ma’am. We understand.”
After the woman hangs up, Amy begins to cry again. “Everything will be okay I promise, Michael assures Amy.
They were worried about the murderers coming back, so they decided to wait for the police in their bedroom at the back of the house. They did didn’t have to wait there long because the police arrived in record time. After appraising the situation, they approach the twins.
“We are sorry about your parents’ death. We will do everything we can to find out who killed them and put that person behind bars. We know it’s sudden, but you can’t stay here all by yourselves. We found a relative of yours from Pennsylvania, Ms. Marianne Trent, and we going to take you to live with her in a few days.”